There Is An Alternate Cover Edition For This ISBN Here I Knew We Were Both In Mortal Danger Still, In That Instant, I Felt WellWhole I Could Feel My Heart Racing In My Chest, The Blood Pulsing Hot And Fast Through My Veins Again My Lungs Filled Deep With The Sweet Scent That Came Off His Skin It Was Like There Had Never Been Any Hole In My Chest I Was Perfect Not Healed, But As If There Had Never Been A Wound In The First Place For Bella Swan, There Is One Thing Important Than Life Itself Edward Cullen But Being In Love With A Vampire Is Even Dangerous Than Bella Could Ever Have Imagined Edward Has Already Rescued Bella From The Clutches Of One Evil Vampire, But Now, As Their Daring Relationship Threatens All That Is Near And Dear To Them, They Realize Their Troubles May Be Just Beginning I can t even wow Is anyone else completely aghast that this dreck saw a printing press not to mention became a wildly popular series I thought I was being hard on Twilight when I criticized it for portraying a relationship so ill advised and unhealthy and then romanticizing that relationship to young people as if people didn t already make enough bad decisions I thought maybe now that Book 1 was done the series would take a nice turn.Enter New Moon Exit Shred of decency.Were it simply a problem of the weakly developed characters, confused and uneven plotline, hundreds of pages of cloying depression only to be replaced by cloying sentimentality later on , and an appalling and unsubtle parallel to Romeo and Juliet, this novel would simply be mediocre teen fare.But then we must consider the problem of Bella whiny, needy, and sullen, blindly devoting herself to a partner that constantly patronizes, criticizes, and subjugates her only for him to leave so she can spend the next 8 months in a state of emotional vacancy so acute that she forgets everything else in her life that a girl can be happy about Bella is only complete and she says this herself when her man is by her side And apparently, according to Meyer at least, this is ok It s ok to create a character so bereft of purpose, self assurance, and identity that she can t live without a relationship based on nothing substantial, just beauty, lust, and exoticism.And it s ok for her to experience no emotional maturity whatsoever because in the end, her lover comes back spewing the same gushy nonsense as before while still lording it over her and flying into rages when he doesn t get his way.The only compelling character in this story was Jacob That is until he became a werewolf and became as cardboard and unappealing as the rest of the cast The irrational hatred between vampires and werewolves gets played off as instinctual, but it has all the logic of bigotry, and that these characters do nothing to try overcoming it is yet another way in which they are immature and non self examining.Due to the audience for which this intended, I have to say that New Moon and the Twilight Saga as a whole are not just poor, they re damaging.And don t even get me started on the epiphany of p 527 We were expected to believe Bella thought Edward had ceased to love her even though an autistic housefly could see it was nowhere near true This book failed Intensely I m sorry. Stephen King once said, Stephenie Meyer can t write worth a darn She s not very good I couldn t agree , Stephen With that, we shall kick this off with a joke Heh This re reading is brought to you courtesy of Project Hindsight I m sorry folks I just could not get through this shit book another time However, since I ve already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages Seriously, how is it possible a book with almost no plot can be so long When I first read New Moon back in 2008, I didn t like it In fact I m not even sure why it had three stars because I remember being super frustrated Even though Edward and Bella s relationship deeply disturbs my soul, Bella is so incredibly boring without him I m not even sure how Stephenie Meyer managed 563 pages Truly, I m amazed because I can sum up New Moon in one big picture But let s get on with it, I ll go into some detail for ya.The book starts off on Bella s 18th birthday, a day she has been dreading for months only because in her mind she will be one year older than Edward So, she makes a huge production about people not celebrating her birthday, but the Cullens ignore her and Alice plans a party Before Edward forces her to attend they watch Romeo and Juliet the book s supposed theme and they have merry little conversation about Edward s contingency plans once Bella dies Now, let s not forget they ve only been dating for a few months Yet, here they are making out and talking about killing themselves in the event of the other s death How romantic Don t even ask me the logic behind how they can even kiss when his teeth are supposed to be venom coated Stephenie Meyer gives some bull shit excuse she must have learned from ass grab 101 But I digressFinally, they make it to the birthday party Bella gets a paper cut and Jasper almost single handedly ends this series on page 29 Unfortunately, to my dismay his attempt was foiled by Edward Eddie pushes Bella out the way and she crashes into the glass plates, slashing up her arm Pause, let s think about that scene a bit Who s bright idea was it to have glass plates With a human In a room full of vampires That drink blood Isn t Alice psychic Why didn t she see Bella cutting her finger on the wrapping paper Wait, don t think about that because if you spend all your time contemplating the stupidity, we ll never get through this review.Obviously, Eddie is not happy with the events that went down at his place and Bella further irritates him by apologizing forwait for itbeing human Bella, you know you ve been hanging out with mythical creatures too much when you start thinking your humanity isn t normal But anyway, Eddie does what any loving boyfriend would do after their girlfriend is attack by their brother he ignores her And because Eddie is Alpha Male Edward and Bella is Submissive Mary Sue Bella, she doesn t confront him about it Instead, she waits for him to be ready On the third day of ignoring her, he drags he into the words and chucks up the deuces The exchange goes a little like this Alpha Male Edward tells Submissive Mary Sue Bella firmly, No, I don t want you to come You re no good for me And she pretty much agrees realizing how much of a waste of space she is Then Edward just pours salt all over her open wound and tells herDon t do anything reckless or stupid, he ordered, no longer detached Do you understand what I m saying I m thinking of Charlie, of course He needs you Take care of yourself for him I nodded helplessly. Wow Relly You re just going to let him order you around like that How about you look after yourself FOR YOU first, everyone else second Awesome Bells Can I call you Bells Not only do you have ZERO self preservation skills, but also no self confidence Just awesome There s only about a million or so girls looking up to you as a role model No pressure to be a strong female character You could have walked away from this with grace, but no, instead all your dignity flies out the window when you pull a bitch move and run after Edward through the woods Then, she defaults back to Fuck my life mode and slips into a depression for four fucking months I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship Heh But this wasn t just any depression, it was some serious shit I always had nightmares now, every night Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare You d think I d get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. Or how about this Even my outsides looked different my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that if I were beautiful and seen from a distance I might even pass for a vampire now. Once again I find myself asking the question Where are her parents Why did Charlie let this go on for FOUR months She should have been in counseling or something But Meyer thinks she can just pacify readers by Renee sending a random e mail here and there or Charlie just suggesting she seek help, only to be shot down by Bella Fail So much fail All that considered, that s not even the biggest problem I have with this book Bella soon figures out she can conjure up hallucinations of Edward if she does something reckless or suicidal This is where Jake comes into play Bella uses Jake like everyone else to get what she wants by asking him to fix up two motorcycles she found and giving her riding lessons She figures it will be the perfect thing to help her see of Edward I suppose she simply forgot how big of a klutz she is and once the bikes are fixed the lessons commence The first time she gets on she falls off and Jake the only one with common sense thinks they should call it a day before she gets hurt But Bella thinks this is BK and she can have it her way, and gets back on the bike Chick has gone batshit crazy and she promptly busts her ass But she doesn t care because her mission was a success She got to see and hear Edward Her next brilliant idea is to throw herself off a cliff during high tide The first time I read this I was secretly hoping she would drown, but the other two books already were published, so it was a hopeless wish Oh and I almost forgot to mention the actual plot LOL Funny how that happens when there isn t one, huh LOL The She vamp, Victoria, is scoping out the area trying to get to Bella But her part is VERY small in this book like the plot , so we don t really need to talk about her I suppose the wolf pack is worth mentioning They re pretty much a bunch of wannabe werewolves that run around with their shirts off That s all you really need to know about them So, finally Alice shows up in chapter 18 because she thought Bella was trying to commit suicide close enough Alice And through a nice little exchange of he said, she said BS, Edward is off to Italy to kill himself This causes Bella to go into hero mode and race to Italy and save Edward I really don t care enough to give my thoughts on the race to Italy That entire part was rushed and anti climatic There isn t even a fight scene Instead here is a timeline courtesy of Reasoning with Vampires Thanks for the link Cait and Jen Anyway, they get back to good old Forks and Bella composes a vote on everyone s thoughts of her joining team undead Edward is at a steady no along with Rosalie But everyone else says, Hell yes Like becoming a vampire is a party or something Funny thing is when Bella asks Jasper he goes And she s all Hmm, yeah, that s not weird at all Not the least bit creepy.In the last few pages Edward and Jake have a little pissing contest and Edward proposes to Bella The End Yawn Thank God it s over Now where s my fuckin chocolate My Twilight Review can be found here BONUS Oh, yeah, bonus time Cause what s a review without one Quick If I were to light Edward on fire what would he become view spoiler hide spoiler Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget it was a hard line to walk. bReally cringing at my younger self..And yet.I still loved itSo, I guess I m cringing at my older self too Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason And then you shot across my sky like a meteor Suddenly everything was on fire When Bella gets a paper cut during her birthday, she in typical ridiculously unstable fashion slices her arm open and stuffs it with glass She becomes surrounded by seven thirsty vampires.While she manages to make it out alive, Edward is horrified by what his family has the potential to do How is this a surprise They re bloody vampires. Edward does the sensible thing and completely erases himself from her life Bella does the sensible thing and completely erases her mind She throws herself into this weird fugue state for the first few chapters I honestly have no idea how to live without you. Codependency for the win Seriously, their relationship is so messed up when I think about it 100 year old man, 18 year old girl I meantechnicallyit isn t statuary but give Edward a few wrinkles and a stooped walkand this book would be giving off a whole different vibe.Looking back now, I don t understand how I was Team Edward for this book Poor Jacob did all that work with healing Bella only to get thrown aside as soon as a little sparkle dances her way I remember my sixteen year old self absolutely crying when Bella goes into the fugue state after Edward leaves and bawling again when he came back I kept thinking, This is TRUE love Woah, Nelly At least I don t feel the same nowrightThe 2018 PopSugar Reading Challenge An allegoryAudiobook CommentsThe girl voices done by Ilyana Kadushin were alright but her version of male voices were rather terrible Picture a girl with the scratchy cold voice That s every guy in the book Sigh.Blog Instagram Twitter This should suffice.